- In Xanadu did Kubla Khan
- A stately pleasure-dome decree:
- Where Alph, the sacred river, ran
- Through caverns measureless to man
- Down to a sunless sea.
That's a link to the column in the NYT? I think so, I just copied it from someone else's blog. In any case, it was the hardback version of the book of the same name where I read about the Shangri-La Diet (SLD). Shangri-La indeed. It's not a diet, it's a theory proposed by a psychology professor based on self-experimentation and information he had from animal studies about set-point and calories and fat storage and more. I'm so bored and frustrated trying to explain his premise that I just say this: if you read it and are curious or it rings true or you're outraged or whatever, try it if you want.
Anyway, I tried it half-heartedly last week and it seemed to be "working" though I haven't actually weighed myself. So, I'm coming clean here so I can have a forum in which to document the results I see, and in an effort to pay more attention to signals of hunger and fullness.
After 2 days of NOT drinking any oil, I definitely had stomach problems yesterday. So much so that I couldn't really eat dinner.
So, starting over: 2T ELOO w/warm water at 4:15 (I brushed my teeth at 3:10, so that allows for the hour).
I ate some "breakfast wrap" at work, and have been nursing one can of RedBull watered down with about a liter of water for 4 hrs or so. i won't have any sugar water today, instead I'll have the grapeseed oil before bed. Grapeseed before bed seems to make sleep better, I've read it's because of the omegas.
It's raining, hard, and the cats and dog that remain inside are not particularly concerned, though I would be scared if I were a little animal because, crap, that thunder is freakin loud. The only effect we can see it having on them is Merlin politely refused to pee. He needed to have his morning out, but when it came down to it, he's all, "i'll just hold it, thanks." The wretched kittens are completely oblivious. They're already hard at work. Kubla's a cat detective, chasing down leads and catching bad bugs and putting them in Belly Prison. Genghis is a cat scientist. He is currently experimenting in the shower with B, testing his hypothesis on the variable levels of aggression in shower spray. Sometimes they work cases together.
I didn't sleep well and in fact do not want to be up. I had a dream that I woke up for the first time today and it was 5:45. That sucked because I'm supposed to be at work by 5:30. Then, when I called in to the recording line, there was a complex explanation on the recording of the changes to the attendance policy. I could not understand it.
Well, the weekend was, as usual, too short. But we got to play our new Wii, and so far my favorite game (by a lot, actually) is Wario Ware. What. The. Crap.
Every once in a while I get this weird meta feeling where I'm above (figuratively) myself looking at my life and am struck dumb (one might say even gobsmacked) by the sheer beauty and surreality of it. Today when I was driving back from taking B to work, such a moment occurred. I was at the intersection of W Charleystone and Ramrod, facing west. So, the sun is a good 1.5 to 2 hours up already, and it's shining from behind me onto the mountains to the west of town making them look so clear and HD in the pre-autumn late summer air (air that's heating up but is not so ridiculously hot yet, which means I have the car windows down and the AC off) that I felt a wave of that strong emotion we feel whenever we experience that kind of beauty and peace. I was driving B to work because on Saturday I'm off but he's not, so it is my absolute pleasure and delight to wake up with him even though others might choose to sleep in, and get ready and take him to work. (I'm not being sarcastic.) We stop for McDonald's breakfast, which I am not in any way ashamed to say I still enjoy. I mean, come on. Sausage McMuffin with egg? That's delicious! By getting up and taking him to work, I get started on a productive morning and we get to spend time together and I will get to go back and get him, which always guarantees he gets out at a good time because his boss will feel too guilty to try to make him stay there and work more when she knows I'm waiting. It's the deal they have. He opens, she gets to have the morning off, then when she gets in, he gets to leave.
Anyway, back to The Moment. So, I'm sitting there, and I'm first in line in the turn lane. Across the intersection is a row of cars facing me, 5 wide. They're all the same kind of car, some smallish SUV type. All lined up in a perfect row. The same car. Not a sedan to be seen. 1 right turn lane, 2 traffic lanes, 2 left turn lanes. It looks so weird. And I start to think, "look. Look at where you are. You're married, you live here, in a city you swore was the only place you'd never want to live, you're going to take your dog to the groomer and go back to the condo in the guard-guarded gated community you live in and how did you get here? What crazy chain of events over an entire lifetime led to this moment?" I guess they're the "Once In A Lifetime" moments, but they happen more frequently than that.
Does everyone have those moments? I'm not a particularly retrospective person, but I have been trying to suss out the strings of the rich tapestry that is my life, figuring out what decisions led to what events. Especially this week when I've joined THEFACEBOOK and have found myself in touch with some people I haven't spoken to in 20 years, others I haven't spoken to in a year but who were a part of my life EVERY DAY for many years and yet others with whom I'm barely acquainted, but who are now my friends. And I'm starting to see that friendship is the real economy in which the only true and lasting currency is exchanged. How's that for profound yet trite? Does everyone but me already know that?
Hm, I think the proper equation is: profound + trite = cliche.
I honestly don't think I'm retrospective, that came out when I was talking to B about how I could never be a talented memoirist. I'm listening to the entire archive of This American Life, and ruing the fact that I'll never write such clever pieces. I don't feel like I have very clear memories or interesting stories about my childhood or youth, but then when I told him a general memory about cutting down Christmas trees, he seemed interested. So I don't know. I always like just telling more recent information and maybe what I've recently been thinking about. Of course how I am now is really affected by some older stuff, and this week when I was trying to figure out WHY I don't keep in touch with people (which has been my practice for 30+ years), I understood something. A child can't really have sophisticated coping mechanisms to deal with complex feelings like guilt and loss and feeling lonely and abandoned. So, at some point I learned how to completely cut off feeling lonely for a person (if this were German there'd be a word for that feeling) because of my parents divorce and my dad leaving. I was close to my dad, we are very similar. I know he loves me and loved me then, but he left and it's a good thing, since he was a drunk bent on self-destruction. And somewhere in my child psyche, I hid those painful feelings so far inside and so completely, that to this day I can just cut someone off in my mind and not really miss them. I've written about this before, about how sad and sorry it made me when I read through my box of old cards and letters from friends, and they all said some variation of "I know you won't respond to this, but I just want you to know I'm thinking about you." I've had people try and try and try to stay in touch with me, to the point where I get angry because can't they take the hint? And as B said, it must seem very bewildering to the other person, because there's absolutely no rational reason or explanation for my behavior. Yet to me, it seems perfectly normal. That's what you do when you are not able to see each other regularly, when one of you moves away or whatever. That's what you do.
So here I am, on the verge of beginning my 5th decade of life. Is it too late to change that lifelong way of dealing with that complicated feeling of anger and loss when you miss a person and the way you used to be able to connect? Ha, what just occurred to me is that perhaps I wouldn't have that feeling if I would keep in touch with people. Hm! OH MY! What happened to me as a child was completely out of my control! But that isn't the case now! I'm fully capable of still having a relationship with someone that I no longer see regularly! That's what people do, isn't it!?!!?? Sheesh!
I'm tempted to post this on my THEFACEBOOK so that all those people whose emails and calls I appeared to ignore can see why. Nah, I'll post a link to this Vox on there, and whoever is motivated may tool on over and read.
I've been having some issues lately. I took some random survey that indicated that my generalized anxiety level is way higher than it should be. I mean, I have a roof over my head and more than enough shoes and food to eat and my husband and I are both employed and we don't have transportation issues and we have healthy pets and we are relatively healthy but we both score really high with anxiety. I think it's because we're kind of in limbo because the job that he has is not forever (not that we want it to be) but it's so super stressful for now and we don't know when it will be over nor what will happen after. So, the generalized anxiety seems impossible to escape.
I'm struggle with other issues, too, like my seeming inability to DO anything. I have in mind that I want to change my life, that I want to be healthy (REALLY healthy) by the time I'm 40, and yet I'm all too willing to eat 2 big pieces of pizza for breakfast here at work. Or to smoke clove cigarettes and drink Irish car bombs during the week when I have to get up at 4am! Or just to be generally slothful. I think and talk and think and talk, but I have to really kick my own ass because I don't do do do do do.
Here are some "inspirational" quotes that seem meaningful to me. I'm not too far gone in my cynical death spiral to appreciate them.....yet.....
Good timber does not grow with ease; the stronger the wind, the stronger the trees. --Willard Marriott
Your greatest enemy is procrastination. Your biggest obstacle is getting started. Your most dangerous tempation is delaying.
Average is the worst of the best and the best of the worst
I am faced with four choices:
1. Do it and enjoy it
2. Do it and don't enjoy it
3. Don't do it and enjoy not doing it
4. Don't do it and don't enjoy not doing it
Laziness is a bodily affliction in which mostly the young indulge, and only the old can afford. --Cynic's Cyclopaedia
Regardless of our present condition, we have the power within our minds to change and to improve.
Most people are about as happy as they make up their minds to be. -- Abraham Lincoln
Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall. -- Confucius
One thing worse than a quitter is someone who never gets started.
It's not what happens, it's what you do that makes the difference. -- Anthony Robbins
Skill to do comes of doing. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
A genius is perseverance in disguise.
Destiny is not a matter of chance, it is a matter of choice; it is not a thing to be waited for, it is a thing to be achieved. -- William Jennings Bryan
Our doubts are traitors, and make us lose the good we of might win, by fearing to attempt. -- William Shakespeare
Idleness is rust that attaches itself to the most brilliant metals. -- Voltaire
A ship in a harbor is safe, but that's not what ships are built for.
Hazy goals, at best, get hazy results.
(and importantly):
One of your dominant thougs will dominate and drive you ---- fear or faith.
(and FINALLY):
None of the secrets of success will work unless you do.
Today is my last Monday off, barring complete unemployment, or, I guess, changing my mind. But starting next weekend I have Sat-Sun off instead of Sun-Mon. So, what did I do with my day today? Guess!? That's right, I read the last ever Harry Potter book. I will carefully and spoiler-freely say that I enjoyed it immensely. I laughed, I cried, I gasped, I squinted hard, concentrating on the revelations and harkening back to earlier books and plot details. I liked it.
Now I'm doing some straightening up.
I am against the man telling me what to do, even when I am the man.
Well, I'm reading this book on Positive Psychology by this guy who teaches it at Harvard. Let me give a shout out to any Harvard alums, hello.
Anyway, one of the points the unknown author makes in his untitled book (I've had two large gibsons...lots agin. I mean, lotsa gin, so forgive that I don't know anything) is that goals that aren't meaningful are drudgery and are not going to make someone feel meaning, purpose, or happiness. SO, I've been thinking about my blogging goal, which I made kind of in a vacuum, I guess thinking that doing "something" creative or "creative," was going to make me feel like doing other creative things. But this technique is really not working for me because I don't feel a lot of meaning in "you must write on Vox at least once a day for 30 days." So, I might retool my goal.
That's what I've got today by way of an excuse for not writing. HA HA HA.
What time is your alarm clock set for? Do you use the snooze button?
3:30am
You better believe that. (Only one snooze, though, which = 10 minutes.)
OK, I don't care too much about this subject, but I want to go on innernet record with my prediction. I've stated for awhile now that BLU-RAY will smack down HD-DVD in the hi-def disc contest. That I have been saying this for awhile, I only have my dear spouse to confirm, but he should be able to do so, since I HAVE been saying it. And why? Why blu-ray?
COOLER NAME. That's all the reason. I bet everyone 1 dollar.
By the way, a bet's only valid if you shake on it. That's just how I roll.
It used to be, not so long ago (maybe yesterday or the day before?) that when I hissed violently at a kitten sitting in front of the sliding glass door as I was coming back in from the laundry room, said kitten would run away, frightened at what was clearly a large mean tomcat disguised as their human...but now....not so much. Genghis just sits right in the same place, right in front of the door, giving me the blandest face possible for him. Which is pretty bland...nearly inscrutable, even. He knows that it's me, and that my hissing is a empty threat.
These cats are getting crazier and more entertaining every day. Last night, however, was the first night since their first week with us that they haven't been all crazy at night, and only started bothering us around 3:30 or so, which is our normal wake-up time during the week! Awwww, our babies are growing up. And trying to kill a weird bug that may or may not be a cockroach, and putting it in my shoe???? Wha?? Get outta there!!!!!!!!
